I can not BELIEVE that I only have ONE MORE day!!! It is so exciting. I am anxious and excited, not because of the surgery itself, but because of the my NEW LIFE!!! The NEW CHANCE at life. I am freely giving into it. I do not worry about the surgery itself or the unexpected, I look forward to it all!! Now, If only I can get through THIS day...the one with NO FOOD and I am not banded so I am STARVING LOL...Well my thoughts and prayers are with anyone who is feeling the same, and with my family {since they are so scared about the actual procedure}. I 100% know I am meant to do this. I know it in EVERY fiber of my being!! :-)
See you on the other side...my next post will be from BANDLANDIA!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
17 Days and Counting and Dreading
Over the weekend my dread and doubts really started to surface. I have changed some of my eating habits to be a bit healther, but I know I would only be able to sustain that "heathly eating" lifestyle for so long before I "fall off the wagon". Right now I am working on the fact that I am nervous. For the last 2 weeks excitment was all I felt about this; Happiness & Excitment. I do think though, like any new change, the feelings of dread and doubt are normal, kind of like cold feet before your wedding (Man do I wish I listened to THEM LOL). I spoke with my surgeons office this morning to set up my final appoitment with the surgeon before surgery. That was the first time all weekend long that the excitement came back to me. I was letting the doubt and dread in. Isn't that what happens to most of us though or is it just me? The doubt and dread seep their way through every fiber of my being until I make the wrong decision because I feel like I am not good enough or I don't deserve this chance. I can't let that happen this time around in my life, I just can't. I am at the fork, and it may be the final fork if I don't choose wisely and I want to choose the path that will lead me to health and to life and to freedom. I can't let this dread drag me down and I won't. I need to focus on the big picutre the grand prize. Now how to get rid of the knots in my stomach? Will this blog help me? Will reading the blogs of others help? I don't know but I will figure it out and no matter what I will not let it get the best of me.
So, I went to the Shrink on Friday....boy were we on 2 totally different wave lengths of crazy. I am the cooky kind of crazy. Sometimes I lack a filter from my brain to my mouth and sometimes it gets me into trouble. Well, when I met with the shrink he took the things I was innocently telling him, ya know yes I am on Medication (Lexapro) and he asks what happens if I don't take it. I tell him well my fuse becomes shorter I have no patients and my temper is up (I actually said I get angry very easy and you wouldn't want to see me angry ; just quoting David Banner jeeze didn't he get the joke??). Well the next thing you know he is asking my if my anger has ever gotten me in trouble with the law?? Has it ever cause me to beat my children?? WOOOOOAAA Buddy...I dont' get THAT kind of angry!!! So after a little anger clarification, LOL, we got back on the same page and I think all in all things went well. Like I said earlier I spoke with the Surgeons office today and she mentioned the pysc report, I asked if it would be in on time for the insurance co. to totally approve and she said I was totally approved (I thought I was approved pending the pysc report?!) So then why did I waste $150 on someone who was ready to lock me up?? Ahh..alls well that ends well I guess.
So, I can't believe it 17 days!! The knots......I will work through it :-)
So, I went to the Shrink on Friday....boy were we on 2 totally different wave lengths of crazy. I am the cooky kind of crazy. Sometimes I lack a filter from my brain to my mouth and sometimes it gets me into trouble. Well, when I met with the shrink he took the things I was innocently telling him, ya know yes I am on Medication (Lexapro) and he asks what happens if I don't take it. I tell him well my fuse becomes shorter I have no patients and my temper is up (I actually said I get angry very easy and you wouldn't want to see me angry ; just quoting David Banner jeeze didn't he get the joke??). Well the next thing you know he is asking my if my anger has ever gotten me in trouble with the law?? Has it ever cause me to beat my children?? WOOOOOAAA Buddy...I dont' get THAT kind of angry!!! So after a little anger clarification, LOL, we got back on the same page and I think all in all things went well. Like I said earlier I spoke with the Surgeons office today and she mentioned the pysc report, I asked if it would be in on time for the insurance co. to totally approve and she said I was totally approved (I thought I was approved pending the pysc report?!) So then why did I waste $150 on someone who was ready to lock me up?? Ahh..alls well that ends well I guess.
So, I can't believe it 17 days!! The knots......I will work through it :-)
Friday, March 12, 2010
HMMM
Well I just wanted to write this down. It doesn't have much at all to do with my WLS, but I just wanted to "get it out". So I have been waiting and waiting for my "husband" to sign the dang divorce papers. Everytime I ask he has some excuse or another (no big surprise after 10 years together I know him all too well!). But I can't really tell anyone without it coming out the wrong way. I am SAD about it :-(
Not becasue I want him back or anything silly like that, it is just SAD......I never went into marriage thinking I would ever get a divorce. I put up with so much in my marriage to avoid divorce, but I guess some things are inevitable. He will have the papers ready by Tuesday!
OK back to my WLS, not much has changed since my last post. I went 2 days ago for my ABG* (it didn't hurt just left a nasty bruise), today I had a PFT* and tonight I meet with they Pychiatrist. Lets see if I can put on my sane face LOL......
I will keep you posted (even though nobody is reading LOL----one day maybe)
FOR PULMINARY CLEARANCE:
ABG (arterial blood gas)
PFT (pulminary function test)
Not becasue I want him back or anything silly like that, it is just SAD......I never went into marriage thinking I would ever get a divorce. I put up with so much in my marriage to avoid divorce, but I guess some things are inevitable. He will have the papers ready by Tuesday!
OK back to my WLS, not much has changed since my last post. I went 2 days ago for my ABG* (it didn't hurt just left a nasty bruise), today I had a PFT* and tonight I meet with they Pychiatrist. Lets see if I can put on my sane face LOL......
I will keep you posted (even though nobody is reading LOL----one day maybe)
FOR PULMINARY CLEARANCE:
ABG (arterial blood gas)
PFT (pulminary function test)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Where to begin?
Ok so I have NEVER blogged before, and not even sure anyone would be interested in what I have to say. After reading some of the Blogs pertaining to the Lap Band and peoples experiences with it, I have decided to try this myself as I have found theirs to be SUPER USEFUL to me.
Unlike most people I have read about so far, my Journey is moving pretty quickly. WLS is something I have thought about in the past, but fleetingly. I never felt like Gastric Bypass was something for me A-I wasn't THAT big! B-I wasn't that Lazy C-.......Major Surgery NO!!!!!!
So I kept living life, and MAN it is stressful!! My husband and I are not doing well at all...he is drinking way too much and I am WAY too stressed. Bam! He is diagnosed with Bladder Cancer..can you say MORE stress. 2 years of back and forth, to the Doctor's, to the Hospital. We lived a million miles away from anyone in my family, I didn't really have the kind of friends who said "Let me take the kids while you sit at the Hospital for 3 hours", so guess what...they sat at the Hospital with me. Me my then 1 yr old boy and 4 year old daughter...what joy that was trying to keep them entertained. So STRESSFUL. Believe me I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are MANY people who have MANY more Stressful things/issues to deal with but for me these were mine. My husband was in some sort of "denial" he didn't want to do what the doctors were telling him and if I didn't force him to go for his treatments or visits he just wouldn't go. I was working full time trying to support our family and he was essentially giving up. I was angry, I was stressed, I was worried, I was scared, all the emotions were there and since life didn't stop so we all the stresses coming one after another. It all came to a head one day in October of 2006 when I had to be rushed to the hospital because I couldn't breathe! Now mind you I had been diagnosed with Bronchial Asthma many years prior to this episode, but it never really affected my life too much (and I was a heavy smoker). So now I am in the ER thinking they will just give me a nebulizer treatment and send me on my way. I was scared and while we waited in the ER my husband left about 5 times to go have a cigarette! They decide after about the 4th treatment that I am ok to go home. While my husband is pulling the car up to the door I am walking out of the ER and feel no better than when I went in. I turned around and said "Please help me I still can't breathe". By now a New Rotation shift had started and I had a New ER doctor on the case. Good thing cause the next thing I know they are rushing me upstairs to the ICU not knowing if I was going to live or die since my oxygen levels were so low. After a 5 day stay in the ICU and another 7 day stay on the main floor I was finally released. When my husband pulled the car up to pick me up, he had a lit cigarette in his mouth and offered me one!! YUP..that is the kind of life I was leading with him. NO I did not want a cigarette thanks for asking! So things were too stressful for him (was he working or not..I can never remember he worked so little during our then 6 year marriage) so he sent our two little kids (his oldest lived at home with us but self sufficient) to stay with my cousin back in my hometown (3 hours away). After he brings me to the pharmacy to pick up my scripts he then informs me that I am to go home and PACK my things because I am going to my cousin's for the week as well. REALLY!!!! NO!!! I want to stay home in my bed with my things, I don't want to be or feel like being in someone else’s home even if we did grow up as sisters (literally) I WANT MY BED!!! I screamed, cried and yelled but I had to go. After he dropped me off (3 hours away) I heard very little from him. I remember calling to talk to him and he never had time he was watching a show or just didn't feel like being on the phone. FINALLY the week was over and he was coming to pick us up!!! AHHH MY BED....MY HOME....so what if I had to suffer 3 hours in the car while he smoked away I wanted to get home. I remember my husband was in bed sleeping and I was "playing games" on the computer and decided to check out his yahoo instant messenger chat history (since I have caught him Cyber-cheating on me before). Lo and behold....LOTS AND LOTS of chatting with this "women" the more I read the more I realize no..not just cyber-sexing ----- PHONE sexing!! Really and you couldn't talk to me on the phone for more than 5 minutes. Oh the anger rose and rose until more screaming and yelling. (((WOW do I keep rambling on about that LOL! I promise there is a point to this))) Anyway, I digress, so all of these breathing issues lead me to A- a pulmonologist B- a therapist (remember the stress!). Therapy is going well, I really needed that (and believe it or not we barely talked about my marriage, it was all about my mother!! LOL). Now pulmonologist that shouldn't be too difficult I am breathing again, even contemplating going back to smoking I feel so well. The pulmonologist performs all kinds of tests and says I am not ready to go back to work!! OK FMLA update...get the papers from my job, get the report from my Therapist (who also feels I am not ready to return to work) and lastly, get the report from the Pulmonologist. So of course my nosey self has to read what these "experts" have to say about me!! Therapist report looks good, I understand his logic...great! Then I see it while reading the pulmonology report. I blink my eyes a few times in case I read it wrong, but nope every time I open my eyes it is still there. Staring me in the face like HA HA, right there in the “EXPERTS” report – “Asthma exasperation possibly due to the morbid obesity of the patient”. Did I just see that? Was that for real?? OMG what can I do? I call my friends and family and ask “Do you think I am MORBIDLY OBESE?” they tell me “NO, not at all!! Why would you think that?” I explain the “Expert” report and after much collaboration decide he is……AN ASS!!! Well I will NEVER go back to that man again!
Flash forward 3 – 3 ½ years later. I have since dieted, many many times over, I have exercised (3 months straight every MON-FRI @ the Gym)….nothing is working. I have to concur….I have no choice but to admit it, not just to myself (cause that realization has come and gone), but to my PCP out loud to my friends and family….to my new fiancé. I must admit YES I AM MORBIDLY OBESE PLEASE CAN SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!
I met with the surgeon and the Nutritionist just last Thursday 3/4. I am scheduled to meet with the psychologist THIS Friday 3/13 and I get a call on Monday 3/8. My insurance has approved the surgery PENDING the report from the psychologist, I am scheduled for surgery on 3/25 (Lap Band of course, since Gastric Bypass still seems too much for me). HOLY CRAP 19 days turn around time?? Everyone one I have seen on blogs & the Thinnertimes.com forum waited MONTHS and 2 weeks alone was a Pre-Op diet. I am moving fast and NOT looking a gift horse in the mouth. Damn…my Boss is on vacation that week…she needs me to change the date!! IT IS FINAL I start my journey to Onederland, Bandlandia on April 1, 2010!!
Unlike most people I have read about so far, my Journey is moving pretty quickly. WLS is something I have thought about in the past, but fleetingly. I never felt like Gastric Bypass was something for me A-I wasn't THAT big! B-I wasn't that Lazy C-.......Major Surgery NO!!!!!!
So I kept living life, and MAN it is stressful!! My husband and I are not doing well at all...he is drinking way too much and I am WAY too stressed. Bam! He is diagnosed with Bladder Cancer..can you say MORE stress. 2 years of back and forth, to the Doctor's, to the Hospital. We lived a million miles away from anyone in my family, I didn't really have the kind of friends who said "Let me take the kids while you sit at the Hospital for 3 hours", so guess what...they sat at the Hospital with me. Me my then 1 yr old boy and 4 year old daughter...what joy that was trying to keep them entertained. So STRESSFUL. Believe me I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are MANY people who have MANY more Stressful things/issues to deal with but for me these were mine. My husband was in some sort of "denial" he didn't want to do what the doctors were telling him and if I didn't force him to go for his treatments or visits he just wouldn't go. I was working full time trying to support our family and he was essentially giving up. I was angry, I was stressed, I was worried, I was scared, all the emotions were there and since life didn't stop so we all the stresses coming one after another. It all came to a head one day in October of 2006 when I had to be rushed to the hospital because I couldn't breathe! Now mind you I had been diagnosed with Bronchial Asthma many years prior to this episode, but it never really affected my life too much (and I was a heavy smoker). So now I am in the ER thinking they will just give me a nebulizer treatment and send me on my way. I was scared and while we waited in the ER my husband left about 5 times to go have a cigarette! They decide after about the 4th treatment that I am ok to go home. While my husband is pulling the car up to the door I am walking out of the ER and feel no better than when I went in. I turned around and said "Please help me I still can't breathe". By now a New Rotation shift had started and I had a New ER doctor on the case. Good thing cause the next thing I know they are rushing me upstairs to the ICU not knowing if I was going to live or die since my oxygen levels were so low. After a 5 day stay in the ICU and another 7 day stay on the main floor I was finally released. When my husband pulled the car up to pick me up, he had a lit cigarette in his mouth and offered me one!! YUP..that is the kind of life I was leading with him. NO I did not want a cigarette thanks for asking! So things were too stressful for him (was he working or not..I can never remember he worked so little during our then 6 year marriage) so he sent our two little kids (his oldest lived at home with us but self sufficient) to stay with my cousin back in my hometown (3 hours away). After he brings me to the pharmacy to pick up my scripts he then informs me that I am to go home and PACK my things because I am going to my cousin's for the week as well. REALLY!!!! NO!!! I want to stay home in my bed with my things, I don't want to be or feel like being in someone else’s home even if we did grow up as sisters (literally) I WANT MY BED!!! I screamed, cried and yelled but I had to go. After he dropped me off (3 hours away) I heard very little from him. I remember calling to talk to him and he never had time he was watching a show or just didn't feel like being on the phone. FINALLY the week was over and he was coming to pick us up!!! AHHH MY BED....MY HOME....so what if I had to suffer 3 hours in the car while he smoked away I wanted to get home. I remember my husband was in bed sleeping and I was "playing games" on the computer and decided to check out his yahoo instant messenger chat history (since I have caught him Cyber-cheating on me before). Lo and behold....LOTS AND LOTS of chatting with this "women" the more I read the more I realize no..not just cyber-sexing ----- PHONE sexing!! Really and you couldn't talk to me on the phone for more than 5 minutes. Oh the anger rose and rose until more screaming and yelling. (((WOW do I keep rambling on about that LOL! I promise there is a point to this))) Anyway, I digress, so all of these breathing issues lead me to A- a pulmonologist B- a therapist (remember the stress!). Therapy is going well, I really needed that (and believe it or not we barely talked about my marriage, it was all about my mother!! LOL). Now pulmonologist that shouldn't be too difficult I am breathing again, even contemplating going back to smoking I feel so well. The pulmonologist performs all kinds of tests and says I am not ready to go back to work!! OK FMLA update...get the papers from my job, get the report from my Therapist (who also feels I am not ready to return to work) and lastly, get the report from the Pulmonologist. So of course my nosey self has to read what these "experts" have to say about me!! Therapist report looks good, I understand his logic...great! Then I see it while reading the pulmonology report. I blink my eyes a few times in case I read it wrong, but nope every time I open my eyes it is still there. Staring me in the face like HA HA, right there in the “EXPERTS” report – “Asthma exasperation possibly due to the morbid obesity of the patient”. Did I just see that? Was that for real?? OMG what can I do? I call my friends and family and ask “Do you think I am MORBIDLY OBESE?” they tell me “NO, not at all!! Why would you think that?” I explain the “Expert” report and after much collaboration decide he is……AN ASS!!! Well I will NEVER go back to that man again!
Flash forward 3 – 3 ½ years later. I have since dieted, many many times over, I have exercised (3 months straight every MON-FRI @ the Gym)….nothing is working. I have to concur….I have no choice but to admit it, not just to myself (cause that realization has come and gone), but to my PCP out loud to my friends and family….to my new fiancé. I must admit YES I AM MORBIDLY OBESE PLEASE CAN SOMEONE HELP ME!!!!
I met with the surgeon and the Nutritionist just last Thursday 3/4. I am scheduled to meet with the psychologist THIS Friday 3/13 and I get a call on Monday 3/8. My insurance has approved the surgery PENDING the report from the psychologist, I am scheduled for surgery on 3/25 (Lap Band of course, since Gastric Bypass still seems too much for me). HOLY CRAP 19 days turn around time?? Everyone one I have seen on blogs & the Thinnertimes.com forum waited MONTHS and 2 weeks alone was a Pre-Op diet. I am moving fast and NOT looking a gift horse in the mouth. Damn…my Boss is on vacation that week…she needs me to change the date!! IT IS FINAL I start my journey to Onederland, Bandlandia on April 1, 2010!!
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